How to survive an NS relationship

Ah, yes – NS relationships, aka relationships when one partner is a full-time National Serviceman, serving his two years of National Service (NS). Some might even call it a canon experience for many young couples!

We asked eight Singaporeans, who have been in an NS relationship at some point in their lives, for tips they can share with couples who are navigating this new era.

1) Share with each other how your day went, even when you’re apart

“NS relationships are challenging, but not impossible,” said 28-year-old Erica Tan, who has been with her partner for 10 years and are now married.

“When my partner was serving NS, he had very little free time out of camp, and would rather spend that time resting at home.

“We had to align our expectations during that point of our relationship.”

Ultimately, Erica feels that couples should be understanding of one another’s needs and make sure to communicate regularly.

“Even though my partner couldn’t text me all the time, I felt that it was nice for us to share how our days went, whenever we could, so that we wouldn’t feel disconnected from each other.”

2) Celebrate your NS boyfriend’s milestones and achievements

“We actually broke up towards the end of his NS journey. But here’s the twist – six years later, we ended up getting married!”

Lydia, 28, recalled: “At that time, I was in polytechnic and busy with my internship. With such limited time together, many issues were quietly swept under the rug. Our priorities simply didn’t align at that stage of our lives.”

The couple later reconnected with each other at church, and the rest is history. Looking back now, Lydia realises how important it was to support her partner during his NS.

“Celebrate the milestones and achievements that your NS boyfriend goes through. It’s not easy for them, and knowing that they have someone cheering them on makes all the difference.

“I’ll admit – I wasn’t interested in BMT (Basic Miltary Training) or army lingo, but somehow you just have to keep up, for love!”

3) Give each other enough space

Chu Fang has been with her partner since secondary school – that’s over 17 years now! The couple, both 33, are now married, and look back on the “NS stage” of their relationship fondly.

During their time apart, Chu Fang’s partner felt that a few of the guys around her were getting too close for comfort. This resulted in many phone calls and arguments.

“These arguments made us realise that trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Sometimes, the harder you try to hold onto someone, the more you end up pushing them away," Chu Fang said.

"Being too controlling will only make the relationship feel suffocating.

“Even if your intention is to save the relationship, it may not come across that way to your partner. It’s important to give each other enough space and let things flow naturally.”

4) Sacrifices must be seen and acknowledged

Syuhada Subuki was in a three-year relationship with her then-boyfriend, and they eventually broke up during his NS due to differences in what they wanted for their future.

While their relationship didn’t make it, Syuhada reflected on what she learnt: “It’s inevitable that one partner will have to sacrifice more during this period.

"However, what matters most is that these sacrifices are seen, acknowledged and consciously balanced out over time.”

“Sacrifice is a two-way street, but you shouldn’t be keeping score,” the 28-year-old advised.

5) Both parties must put in effort

Jacob’s* relationship lasted through the two years of his NS journey – however, the couple broke up just two months after his ORD (Operationally Ready Date, which marks the end of an individual’s full-time NS).

“I became passive in the relationship and kept using NS as an excuse, saying that I was too tired to go out on dates,” the 28-year-old recounted regretfully.

“By the time I finished my NS, she was done with the relationship because she didn’t want a man who didn’t put in the effort to support the relationship through difficult times.”

Here’s Jacob’s advice to those who are about to enter an NS relationship: “Have an honest conversation about whether both of you (are willing to) prioritise the relationship. It’s okay if the answer is no, because it’s better to end it instead of learning the hard way.”

6) Be more understanding of each other’s schedules

Nineteen-year-old Caleb* has been with his girlfriend for seven months. The funny part? The couple broke up right before his NS, during their second year of junior college, due to exam stress.

They later found their way back to each other after he enlisted and began serving NS.

“Be more empathetic and understanding towards each other’s schedules, as you’re both going through different life stages!”

7) Ensure your partner doesn’t feel alone

For 29-year-old Kevin*, who broke up with his girlfriend of four years a few months after his ORD, his words of advice are: “Prioritise her and ensure that she doesn’t feel alone.”

The couple were on-and-off throughout his NS period and ultimately decided to call it quits as they couldn’t see a future with each other anymore.

“If she cannot even wait for you throughout BMT, then she’s not somebody that you should be with anyway.”

8) Make time for each other

After making his 2.5-year relationship last through NS, Kynan now understands what it’s like to be in a relationship while having a full-time job.

“Try your best to make time for each other during this period,” the 21-year-old advised. “If you can get through an NS relationship, things will get easier in the future.”

*Not their real names